Чин III
...
.Enter FIGARO.
Figaro.
Here, at your service.
Doctor.
Yes, that’s the Knave.
Figaro.
Perhaps I interrupt you.
Guzman.
“Ha-ave not I see-een you before, young Man?
Figaro.
“Oh yes, Mr. President, I once served your Lady.
Guzman.
“How lo-ong since?
Figaro.
“Nine months before the birth of her last Child—And a fine Boy
it is, though I say it.
Guzman.
“Y-es—He’s the F-flower of the Flock”—And the cau-ause
betwee-een—
Figaro.
A Bagatelle, Mr. President! A Bagatelle.
Guzman.
(Laughs.) A Ba-ag-a-telle! A pro-o-mise of Ma-a-arriage a Ba-a-gatelle!
Ha! ha! ha!—And dost thou hope to ca-ast the Pla-aintiff?
Figaro.
To be sure, Mr. President! You being one of the Judges.
Guzman.
(With stupid dignity) Ye-e-es! I am one of the Judges!—Hast thou see-een
D-D-Doublefee, my Se-ecretary?
Figaro.
Yes, Mr. President! That’s a duty not to be neglected.
Guzman,
The young Fellow is not so si-i-imple I thought.
[63]
Enter
Cryer of the Court, Guards, Count, Counsellors and Vassals.
Cryer.
Make room there, for my Lord, the Count.
Count.
Wherefore in your Robes, Don Guzman? It was unnecessary for a
mere domestic matter like this.
Guzman.
Pa-a-ardon me, my Lord! “Those who would tre-e-emble at the
Clerk of the Court in his Robes, would la-augh at the Judge without ’em.”
Forms! Forms! are sacred things.
(The
Count and the Court seat themselves.)
Count.
Call silence in the Court.
Cryer.
Silence in the Court.
Guzman.
Read “over the Causes”, D-D-Doublefee.
Doublefee.
“The Count de
Count.
“They are both very right in mutually disavowing it; and be it
decreed, that if, hereafter, they should produce a successful Piece, its Fame
shall appertain to the Count, and its Merit to the Poet—The next.
Doublefee.
“Diego Macho, Day-labourer, Plaintiff, against Gil-Perez-Borcado
Tax-gatherer, and receiver of the Gabels, for having violently dispossessed the
said Diego Macho, Day-labourer, of his Cow.
Count.
“This Cause does not come within my [64] Jurisdiction; but as it is probable the Day-labourer will never
obtain Justice, do thou see, Figaro, that another Cow be sent him, lest his
Family should be starved—The next.”
Doublefee.
Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustacio, Spinster, Plaintiff,
against—(To Figaro) Here’s no surname!
Figaro.
Anonymous.
Guzman.
Ano-o-onymous—I never heard the Name before!
Doublefee.
Against Figaro Anonymous. What Profession?
Figaro.
Gentleman.
Count.
Gentleman!
Figaro.
I might have been born a Prince, if Heaven had pleased.
Doublefee.
Against Figaro Anonymous, Gentleman, Defendant. The Question
before the Court relates to a promise of Marriage; the Parties have retained no
Council, contrary to the ancient and established practice of Courts.
Figaro.
What occasion for Council? A race of Gentleman who are always so
very learned, they know every thing, except their Briefs! Who insolently
interrogate Modesty and Timidity, and endeavour, by confusing, to make Honesty
forswear itself; and, after having laboured for hours, with all legal
prolixity, to perplex self-evident Propositions, and bewilder the
understandings of the Judges, sit down as proud as if they had just pronounced
a Phillipic of Demosthenes—(Addressing himself to the
Court) My Lord, and
Gentlemen—The Question before the Court is—
Doublefee.
(Interrupting him) It is not you to speak, you are the Defendant—Who pleads for the
Plaintiff.
[65]
Doctor.
I.
Doublefee.
You! A Physician turn Lawyer?—
Figaro.
Oh yes, and equally skilful in both.
Count.
Read the Promise of Marriage, Doctor.
Guzman.
Re-e-ead the Pro-o-omise of Marriage.
Doctor.
(Reads) I acknowledge to have received of
Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum of two thousand Piasters, in
the Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay to the said
Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, and to
marry her. Signed, Figaro.(Addressing
himself to the Count) My Lord, and Gentlemen! Hem! Never did
cause more interesting, more intricate, or in which the Interest of Mankind,
their Rights, Properties, Lives and Liberties were more materially involved,
ever claim the profound Attention of this most learned, most honourable Court,
and from the time of Alexander the Great, who promised to espouse the beauteous
Thalestris—
Count.
Stop, most formidable Orator; and ere you proceed, enquire
whether the Defendant does not contest the validity of your Deed.
Guzman.
(To Figaro) Do you co-ontest the va-va-va-va-lidity of the Dee-eed?
Figaro.
My Lord and Gentlemen! Hem! There is in this Case, either Fraud,
Error, Malice, or mischievous Intention, for the Words of the Acknowledgment
are, I promise to repay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the
said sum of two thousand Piasters or to
marry her, which is very different.
Doctor.
I affirm it is AND.
Figaro.
I affirm it is OR.
Doctor.
Well, suppose it.
[66]
Figaro.
No Supposition, I will have it granted.
Count.
Clerk, Read you the Promise.
Guzman.
Re-e-ead the P-P-P-Promise, D-D-D-Double-fee.
Doublefee.
(Reads) I acknowledge to have received of
Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, the sum of two thousand Piasters, in
the Castle of Count Almaviva, which sum I promise to repay the said
Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, and—or—and—or—or—The Word is blotted.
Doctor.
No matter; the sense of the Phrase is equally clear. This
learned Court is not now to be informed the word or particle, Or, hath various significations—It means otherwise and either—It likewise means before—For
example, in the language of the Poet.
- Or ’ere the Sun decline the western
Sky,
- ’Tis Fate’s decree the Victims all
must die.
Figaro.
This was the language of Prophesy, and spoken of the Doctor’s
own Patients.
Count.
“Silence in the Court.
Crier.
“Silence in the Court.
Doctor.
“Hence then, I clearly deduce (granting the word to be Or) the Defendant doth hereby promise, not
only to pay the Plaintiff, but marry her before he
pays her—Again, the the word Or doth
sometimes signify Wherefore, as
another great and learned Poet hath it,
- “Or how could heav’nly Justice damn
us all,
- Who ne’er consented to our Father’s
Fall?
“That is wherefore? For
what reason could [67] heavenly Justice do such an unjust thing? Let us then substitute
the adverb Wherefore, and the intent and meaning of the
Promise will be incontestable; for, after reciting an acknowledgement of the
debt, it concludes with the remarkable words, Or to
marry her, that is, wherefore, for which reason, out of gratitude, for the
Favour above done me, I will marry her.
Figaro.
“Oh most celebrated Doctor? Most poetic Quibbler!
- “Hark with what florid Impotence he
speaks,
- And as his Malice prompts, the
Puppet squeaks,
- Or at the ear of Eve, familiar Toad,
- Half froth, half venom, spits
himself abroad
- In legal Puns, or Quibbles, Quirks, or Lies,
- Or Spite, or Taunts, or Rhymes, or Blasphemies.
“What think you we know not Quotations, and Poets, and Ands, and Ors, and Whys, andWherefores.
- “What Drop or Nostrum, can such Plagues remove,
- Or which must end me, a Fool’s Wrath—Or Love?
(Pointing first to the Doctor, and
then to Marcelina.) “We have neither forgot our Reading nor our Syntax, but can
easily translate a dull Knave into a palpable Fool—” My Lord, and Gentlemen,
You hear his Sophisms, Poetical, and Conundrums, Grammatical.
[68]
Count.
Yes, yes, we hear.
(Count and the Counsellors rise and
consult together.)
Antonio, I’m glad they have put an end to your prating.
Marcelina.
Their Whisperings and wise Grimaces forebode me no good. That
Susan has corrupted the chief Judge, and he is corrupting all the others.
Doctor.
It looks devilish like it.
(The
Count and Counsellors resume their seats.)
Doublefee.
Silence in the Court.
Crier.
Silence in the Court.
Count.
The judgment of the Court is, that since the validity of the
promise of Marriage is not well-established, Figaro is permitted to dispose of
his Person.
Figaro.
The Day’s my own.
Marcelina.
I thought how it would be.
Count.
But as the Acknowledgement clearly expresses the words, Which sum I
promise to pay the said Marcelina-Jane-Maria-Angelica-Mustachio, or to marry
her, the said Figaro
stands condemned to pay the two thousand Piasters to the Plaintiff, or marry
her in the course of the Day.
Figaro.
I’m undone!
Marcelina.
I am happy!
Count.
And I am revenged!
Antonio.
Thank your noble Lordship! Most humbly thank your noble
Lordship!—Ah ha! I’m glad thou art not to marry my Niece! I’ll go and tell her
the good news! (Exit.)
Crier.
Clear the Court.
(Exeunt
Guards, Counsellors, and Vassels.
[69]
Manent
Don Guzman, Figaro, Marcelina and Dr. Bartholo.
Figaro.
’Tis this Furze-ball, this Fungus of a President that has lost
me my Cause.
Guzman.
I a F-F-Furze-ball and a F-F-Fungus!
Figaro.
(Sits down dejected) I will never marry her.
Guzman.
Thou mu-ust ma-arry her.
Figaro.
What! Without the Consent of my noble Parents?
Count.
(Returning) Where are they? Who are they?—He will still complain of
injustice—Name them.
Figaro.
Allow me time, my Lord—I must first know where to find them, and
yet it ought not to be long, for I have been seeking them these five Years.
Doctor.
What! A Foundling?
Figaro.
No Foundling, but stolen from my Parents.
Count.
Poh! This is too palpable.
(Exit
Count.)
Figaro.
Had I no other Proof of my Birth than the precious Stones, Ring,
and Jewels found upon me, these would be sufficient—but I bear the Mark— (He is going to shew his Arm.)
Marcelina.
Of a Lobster on your left Arm.
Figaro.
How do you know that?
Marcelina.
’Tis he himself!
Figaro.
“Yes, its me myself.”
Marcelina.
’Tis Fernando!
Doctor.
Thou wert stolen away by Gypsies.
Figaro.
By Gypsies!—Oh Doctor, if thou can’st but restore me to my
illustrious Parents, “Mountains [70] of Gold will not sufficiently speak their gratitude.”
Doctor.
Behold thy Mother.
(Pointing
to Marcelina.)
Figaro.
Nurse, you mean!
Doctor.
Thy own Mother!
Figaro.
Explain!
Marcelina.
And there behold thy Father.
(Pointing
to the Doctor.)
Figaro.
He, my Father! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! (Stamps about.)
Guzman.
(With great wisdom) It will be no m-m-match—that’s evi-dent.
Marcelina.
Hast thou not felt Nature pleading within thee, at sight of me?
Figaro.
Never.
Marcelina.
This was the secret cause of all my Fondness for thee.
Figaro.
No doubt—And of my aversion—Instinct is very powerful.
Marcelina.
Come to my arms, my dear, my long lost Child. (Figaro and Marcelina embrace, the Doctor leans against the
Benches.)
Enter ANTONIO and SUSAN.
(The
latter runs to find the Count)
Susan.
(In great Agitation) Oh, where is my Lord? Here is the Money to pay Marcelina with!
The Portion which my noble and generous Lady has given me!
Antonio.
(pulling Susan, and pointing to
Figaro, who kisses Marcelina.) Here! here! Look this way! (Susan, at seeing them embrace becomes
furious, and is going away, Figaro runs and brings her back.)
[71]
Figaro.
Stop, stop, my Susan.
Susan.
I have seen enough—Since you are so fond of her, pray marry her.
Figaro.
Thou art mistaken.
Susan.
No, I am not mistaken.
(Gives
him a slap in the face.)
Figaro.
(Rubbing his Cheek) “This is Love—Pshaw! Prithee come hither, look at that Lady—How
dost thou like her?
Susan.
“Not at all.
Figaro.
“Well said Jealousy, she does not mince the Matter.”
Marcelina.
Dear Susan, this, this is my Son!
Figaro.
“Yes, they wanted me to marry my Mother.”
Antonio.
“Your Mother!—It is not long since—
Figaro.
“I have known it—True”
Marcelina.
Yes, my dearest Susan, embrace thy Mother—Thy Mother, who will
love thee dearly.
Susan.
And do you consent I shall have my Figaro?
Marcelina.
Willingly, (Susan runs and kisses her) Here, my
Son, here is the Promise.
(Gives
him the Paper.)
Susan.
And here is the Portion.
(Gives
him a Purse of Money.)
Figaro.
“My manly Pride would fain make me restrain my tears, but they
flew in spite of me—Well, let ’em! Let ’em flow! Joys like these never come
twice in one’s Life! Oh, my Mother, Oh, my Susan!”
(They
all three embrace, weeping.)
Guzman.
(weeping.) What a Foo-oo-ool am I! L-L-Look, if I don’t k-k-k-cry as well
as the best of ’em.
Figaro.
(to the Doctor) My Father.
[72]
Doctor.
Keep off! I disclaim thee!
Antonio.
Why then, if you are his Father, you are a Turkish Jew, and no
Christian Father.
Doctor.
A Knave that tricked me of my Ward, cheated me of my Money, and
now has been turning my Wisdom into ridicule.
Susan.
And are not you, being a wise Man, proud to have a Son wiser
than yourself?
Doctor.
No—I would have no one wiser than myself.
Antonio.
Come, come, look you, I am “a good Catholic, and” an old
Castilian, therefore, unless your Father and Mother become lawful Man and Wife,
I will never consent to give you my Niece. No, no, she sha’n’t marry a man who
is the child of Nobody, neither.
Guzman.
Here’s an old Fool!—The Child of Nobody, Ha! ha! ha! (Laughs stupidly, and then assumes great Wisdom) Hav’n’t you
lived long enough to know that every Child must have a Father?
Marcelina.
“Consider, good Doctor, your Promise, if ever our Child was
found.
Doctor.
“Pshaw!
Marcelina.
“And here is a Son you surely need not be ashamed of.
Susan.
“Ah my dear Pappa!
Figaro.
“My generous, worthy Father.
(Susan
strokes his Cheek, Figaro kneels, and Marcelina coaxes him.)
Susan.
“You don’t know how we will all love you.
Marcelina.
“What care we will take of you.
Figaro.
“How happy we will make you.
Doctor.
“Good Doctor, dear Pappa, generous Father! (Bursts out a crying) See, if I am not even [73] a greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President! (Guzman staggers back at the Doctor’s Compliment) they mould
me like Dough, lead me like a Child, (Marcelina, Susan, and Figaro testify
their Joy by their Actions.) Nay, nay, but I hav’n’t yet said yes.
Susan.
“But you have thought yes.
Marcelina.
“And look’d yes.
Figaro.
“Come, come, we must be quick; let us run and find the Count,
otherwise he will invent some new pretext to break off the Match.
(Exeunt
Doctor, Marcelina, Figaro and Susan.)
Manent
Don GUZMAN.
Guzman.
“A greater Foo-oo-ool than Mr. President!—The People in this
House are truly very stupid and ill bred.” (Exit.)
End of ACT III.
[74]
ACT IV.
...
(Beaumarchais: The Marriage of Figaro; 1786 - WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART)
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