ACT
I
Scene I
A room on the garden front of a very large country
house in Derbyshire in April 1809
Nowadays, the house would be called stately home. The
upstage wall is mainly tall, shapely, uncurtained windows, one or more of which
work as a doors. Nothing much need to be said of the exterior beyond. We come
to learn that the house stands in the typical English park of the time. Perhaps
we see an indication of this, perhaps only light and air and sky.
The room looks bare despite the large table which
occupies the centre of it. The table, the straight-backed chairs and, the only
other item of furniture, the architect’s stand or reading stand, would all be
collectable pieces now but here, on an uncarpeted wood floor, they have no more
pretension than a schoolroom, which is indeed the main use of this room at this
time. What elegance there is, is architectural, and nothing is impressive but
the scale. There is a door in each of side walls, These are closed, but one of
the French windows is open to a bright, but sunless morning.
There are two people, each busy with books and paper
and pen and ink, separately occupied. The pupil is Thomasina Coverly, aged 13.
The tutor is Septimus Hodge, aged 22. Each has an open book. Hers is slim
mathematics primer. His is a handsome thick quarto, brand new, a vanity
production, with little tapes to tie when the book is closed. His loose papers
etc., are kept in a stiff-backed portfolio which also ties up with tapes.
Septimus has a tortoise which is sleepy enough to
serve as a paperweight. Elsewhere on the table there is an old-fashioned
theodolite and also some other books stacked up.
Thomasina Septimus, what is carnal embrace?
Septimius Carnal embrace is the practice of throwing one’s arms around a side of beef.
Thomasina Is that all?
Septimus No… a shoulder of mutton, a haunch of venison well hugged, , an embrace of grouse … caro, carnis; feminine; flesh.
Thomasina Is it a sin?
Septimus Not necessarily, my lady, but when carnal embrace is sinful it is a sin of the flesh, QED. We had caro in our Gallic Wars – “The Britons live on a milk and meat” – “lacte et carne vivunt”. I am sorry that the seed fell on a stone ground.
Thomasina That was the sin of Onan, wasn’t it Seprtimus?
Septimus Yes. He was given his brother’s wife a Latin lesson and she was hardly the wiser after it, than before. I thought you were finding a proof for Fermat’s last theorem.
Thomasina It is very difficult, Septimus. You will have to show me how.
Septimus If I knew how, there would be no need to ask you. Fermat’s last theorem has kept people busy for a hundred and fifty years, and I hoped would keep you busy long enough for me to read Mr. Chater’s poem in praise of love with only distraction of its own absurdities.
Thomasina Our Mr. Chater has written a poem?
Septimus He believes he has written a poem, yes. I can see that there might be more carnality in your algebra than in Mr. Chater’s “Coach of Eros”.
Thomasina Oh, it was not my algebra. I heard Jellaby telling Cook that Mrs. Chater was discovered in carnal embrace in the gazebo.
Septimus (after a pause) Rally? With whom? Did Jellaby happen to say?
Thomasina considers this with a puzzled frown
Thomasina What do you mean, with whom?
Septimuis With what. Exactly so. The idea is absurd. Where did this story come from?
Thomasina Mr. Noakes.
Septimus Mr. Noakes!
Thomasina Papa’s landskip gardener. He was taking bearings in the garden when he saw – through his spyglass – Mrs. Chater in the gazebo in carnal embrace.
Septimus And do you mean to tell me that Mr. Noakes told the butler?
Thomasina No. Mr. Noakes told Mr. Chater. Jellaby was told by the groom, who overheard Mr. Noakes telling Mr. Chater, in the stable yard.
Septimus Mr. Chater being engaged in closing the stable door.
Thomasina What do you mean, Septimus?
Septimus So, thus far, the only people know about this are Mr. Noakes the landkip gardener, the groom, the butler, the cook and, of course, Mrs. Chater’s husband, the poet.
Thomasina And Arthur who was cleaning the silver, and the bootboy. And now you.
Septimus Of course. What else did he say?
Thomasina Mr. Noakes?
Septimus No, not Mr. Noakes, Jellaby. You heard Jellaby telling the cook.
Thomasina Cook hushed him almost as soon as he started. Jellaby did not see that I was being allowed to finish yesterday’s upstairs’ rabbit pie before I came to my lesson. I think you have not been candid with me, Septimus. A gazebo is not, after all, a meat larder.
Septimus I never said my definition was complete.
Thomasina Is carnal embrace kissing?
Septimus Yes.
Thomasina And throwing one’s arm around Mrs. Chater?
Septimus Yes. Now, Fermat’s last theorem –
Thomasina I thought as much. I hope you are ashamed.
Septimus I my lady?
Thomasina If you do not teach me the true meaning of things, who will?
Septimus Ah. Yes, I am ashamed. Carnal embrace is sexual congress, which is insertion of the male genital organ into the female genital organ for purpose of procreation and pleasure. Fermat’s last theorem, by contrast, asserts when x, y and z are whole numbers each raised to power of n, the sum of first two can never equal the third when n is greater than 2.
Pause
Thomasina Eurghhh!
Septimus Nevertheless, that is the theorem.
Thomasina It is disgusting and incomprehensible. Now when I am grown, to practice it to myself I shall never do so without thinking of you.
Septimus Thank you very much my lady. Was Mrs. Chater down this morning?
Thomasina No. Tell me more about sexual congress.
Septimus There is nothing more to be said about sexual congress.
Thomasina Is it the same as love?
Septimus Oh no, it is much nicer than that.
One of the side doors leads to the music room. It is
the other side door which now opens to admit Jellaby, the butler
I am teaching, Jellaby.
…
(Tom Stoppard ARCADIA, first presented at the Lyttelton Theatre, Royal National Theatre, on 13th of April 1993, published by Samuel French Ltd.)
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